It is only Wednesday???

Wow...it is only Wednesday, but this week has been quite interesting, packed with self-discovery, spirtual reflection, a brief stint of homesickness on Tuesday, and the first drink of many with my housemates at the infamous Notre Dame bar known as Corby's on Tuesday. Sorry to all those who would have liked me to update this blog sooner - this long entry definitely makes up for lost time.

On Sunday night, I drove with Natalie to pick up our fourth and final housemate, Katie Hall, from Midway Airport in Chicago. It was fun - after picking up Katie, the three of us went to Olive Garden for dinner (thanks to the HCA for picking up the tab, hehe) and had great conversations. Patrick, our other Chile housemate who was in Chicago for his dad's birthday, met us at Olive Garden and we all drove back to Notre Dame together. The 2006-2008 Chile Associates are finally together :-) and once I figure out how to do it, a picture of all four of us will be posted soon.

On Monday morning, two recent graduates from Notre Dame, Matt and Clay, joined the Chile Associates for our two weeks of "cultural immersion training." Matt and Clay are going to Uganda, Africa for a year and a half, leaving at the same time we leave for Chile (only 12 more days!). Despite my reservations and beliefs about ND boys (just kidding), it is great having two domers with me, the smick chick, to reminsence about ND/SMC.

Also on Monday morning, Maureen Rosemary Connors, Ph.D., joined us to facilitate the first three days of our international training. From Florida, 60ish year old Maureen is well-traveled, incredibly brilliant and an absolutely fabulous lady. It has been a joy getting to know her and it is my hope she will be able to join us when we come back from Chile to assist in our transition/re-entry process. Maureen's three day trainings were titled "Developing Intercultural Sensitivity as a Volunteer Missioner" (Monday), "Living and Serving in a Turbulent World: Violence, Trauma, and Saftey" (Tuesday morning), "Examining Intercultural Conflict" (Tuesday evening), and "The Stress of Overseas Living: Stress Management and Self Care"(Wednesday). Monday was particularly interesting as I was given the results of a test I took a week or so ago examining my views and biases toward those from a different culture...as shocking as it is, let's just say that I still some work to do towards reaching a goal of complete adaptation and inegration of culture differences, haha.

Tuesday morning I experienced something that I had never experienced before: homesickness. Yeah, I am suprised too...I am an independent and self-sufficent 22-year old woman who has been able to live at least 11 hours away from home, visiting only for Christmas and summer, for the past 4 years - I prided myself that I did not get homesick unlike my peers. To this day, however, I cannot explain the reason for waking up on Tuesday morning wishing that I was at home. Thinking that I could hide my condition from my housemates was a mistake: Tuesday morning's topic was about violence, trauma, and saftey overseas, filled with various scenarious on how our life may be complicated or ended while on our journey as well as conversations about dealing with changes in our family or losing loved ones while we are gone...hard to talk about these topics when you wish you were with your family at that exact moment. So, while these conversations were EXTREMELY helpful, it was horrible timing as they combined with my feeling of homesickness and resulted in, what I can admit, are some tears as I talked to my mom on the phone after the lecture. But, for all those concerned for me at this moment (this means you too Grandma, hehe), no worries - talking to my mom and my best friend Brian helped and I was back to my good ol' self by noon. That doesn't mean that I don't miss my family, but ya know what I mean.

The last thing I want to share with you about Maureen's teachings was a thing called "Compassion Fatigue." Have you ever heard of it? I had not but certainly can see myself experiencing it while I am away. Compassion fatigue is experienced by so many people in fields where they care for people under extreme circumstances, including doctors, nurses, EMS personnel, police, firemen, victim advocates, and of course, missioners or international service volunteers. It is often known as the stress of "Caring Too Much" but is NOT labeled as "burnout". Burnout is associated with stress and hassles involved in your work; it is very cumulative, is relatively predictable and frequently a vacation or change of job helps a great deal. Compassion Fatigue is very different. Compassion Fatigue is a state of tension and preoccupation with the individual or cumulative trauma of clients, thus absorbing the trauma through the eyes and ears of your clients. For those with Compassion Fatigue, morale drops and personal relationships are affected; home lives and personality deteriorates, eventually leading to overall decline in general health. Pretty much, you minimize or stop seeing the passion, excitement, and joy in your own life because you care too much about the pain and suffering about those you are helping...your own life and your own happiness and tribulations, as well as the happiness of others, become insignifcant due to seeing, experiencing, and dealing with the pains and tribulations of others. ANYWAY, I tell you this because I can see myself vulnerable to suffering from Compassion Fatigue if I do not take care of myself because I do tend to "care too much." Finding a balance to take of myself mentally and physically will enable me to help serve others in Chile better, and it is my hope that all of you who are reading this rediculously long blog entry and acutally care about what I am doing, will help me in maintaining my relationshiop with you and contribute to this balance in my life.

Alright, last thing I am going to talk about tonight - promise. Talking about these topics this week and really examining my ability to perform 2 1/2 years of service, live in a foreign country, speak a foreign language, and uphold the mission and four pillars of Holy Cross Associates with my three other housemates - who all have different definitions of, and notions of commitment to, these areas really stressed me out. Not the "I cannot think straight or sleep" kinda stress, but just enough to get me worried about whether or not this program will be what I expected it to be. Then my housemate Natalie said something to me: Let Go and Let God. I have been so tense these past few days, worrying about things that I cannot control...again, not like me I know but this seminary has an effect on people, haha. Natalie and Katie, thorugh a great conversation, helped me to realize that I need to just make this experience the way that I want it to be and stop concerning myself with whether it will meet my expectations. Simply, let go and let God; God will do the rest and my experience will be what it needs to be. A giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulder and I feel great...I cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings.

For now, it is back to Chicago. In just a few minutes, I am driving Katie back to Midway Airport so she can go home for her brother's wedding this week.

Hope everyone is well and talk to you again very soon ~ M

P.S. Although somewhat expected, Talladega Nights, the Will Ferrell movie I saw with Steve and Natalie this past weekend, was horrible! There were one or two parts that were funny just because it was rediculously stupid, but other than that, I could not wait until the movie ended. Thanks to Steve for buying our tickets but everyone can just save their money.